For the most part Randall and I both feel that going back to school last week and getting back into a routine has been a good thing. At school I feel like there's always something for me to do and little time to let my mind wander. Everyone has been so respectful of my feelings and what I wanted to share. This week I've felt more comfortable talking about Ezra and I'm so thankful for those who have lent a listening ear. I'm more thankful, though, that these people have said "Ezra" when they've been talking about him and not just "your baby" or "the baby." They probably don't even know that they did it, but just this simple choice of words lets me know how much they care about me because it allows Ezra to be a person, my son...and I need that. I need to know that they see him the same way I see him. Oh, how I miss Ezra!
Yesterday was the roughest day I've had since I went back to school and the fact that it was a Tuesday meant that everything I felt was intensified. My students were extra talkative which meant I felt like I was constantly having to give reminders about expectations and that in itself is exhausting. Then, when I was putting my kids on the bus, a substitute that hadn't been at school much this year came up to me and said, "how's the baby?" I felt like someone had slapped me across my face. At first I didn't answer and I'm sure that she saw the look of horror that came across my face. I realize that she just didn't know about what had happened, but that didn't make it any easier to hear the question. I answered her, she replied with "they'll be more" and I quickly moved away. Luckily at that moment a sweet boy that I taught last year walked by and I smiled at me and I held my hand out to him to walk him to his bus, as I had done most days last year. When he got on the bus, he gave me a big smile and said, "Thanks, Mrs. Egan!" He never knew that he was saving me from having a meltdown on the sidewalk in front of a whole group of students...he just thought he got lucky and had an escort to the bus. I'm so thankful that God had him cross my path at that exact instant....I'm so thankful for that gift. I like to think that Ezra suggested it because he heard him talk so much last year and knew that I enjoyed walking him to the bus...come to think about it, Ezra escorted him last year as well... As soon as I got back down to my room, I let myself have a good cry, because I just couldn't hold it back any more. Just then a colleague walked in my room and we talked for about 45 minutes. Although it was a talk that was filled with tears, it was nice to talk about Ezra. I've had a few of those conversations this week and I'm so grateful for all those people. Sweet conversations and sweet gifts from above.
I've posted a few things on facebook here lately about all the precious animals that we've seen (and been only a few feet away from) at the cemetery when we've gone to visit with Ezra. Let me pause here and say, for those of you who might be concerned about all our trips to the cemetery, that we know that Ezra is playing and being loved in a peaceful spot in heaven and we know that his plot in the cemetery is only a resting place for his earthly body. But since we never had the opportunity to take Ezra out of the hospital and make memories at any "special" spots, his place at the cemetery is really the only tangible spot we have of him. I talk to him all the time at multiple places, but I just have the need to visit him as well. That being said, over the past couple of weeks, at the cemetery we've seen three deer, two raccoons, rabbits, groundhogs, and squirrels...and all have been within a few feet of us. The deer were looking at us from the brush and Randall I were both just rooted to the spot because it was just unbelievable to us that they were that close. The raccoons were in a tree dangling right over our heads and we watched them until it got dark one night. And the rabbit...well it ran right in front us, almost over top of where the straw is laying to encourage grass growth on Ezra's plot. We think that either rabbits or deer are the sneaky ones that ate the daisy's from Ezra's flowers. All we found were stems that had the flowers snapped off of them! I bet that God and Ezra have enjoyed watching Randall and I as they sent these animals to us. I believe with all my heart that they are the reason these animals are flocking towards us...I can't wait to see what they send next. I just hope whatever it is, it is friendly!
Thanks for the animals you've sent our way, Ezra. Mommy loves you so much.
No comments:
Post a Comment