Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What a Difference a Year Makes...

Cassidy and I are sitting here right now watching Restaurant Impossible.  I just finished watering the trees and plants in Ezra's garden.  The mums are blooming out and look so pretty around the tree - the yellow is such a beautiful pop of color in the brown mulch.  I look forward to when we get "phase two" complete and add the layer of rocks around the first layer.  I think we've decided to wait until spring to do this since we don't want to leave pots sitting our during the winter anyway...especially if this winter is like last winter with the cold and snow. 

We're still debating about Christmas decorations this year.  In the past we've put a Christmas tree in almost every room of our house...two in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the office, one in our bedroom.  We have SO many Christmas decorations for the entire house, but I'm just not sure if I can put them up this year.  You see, we took our first pregnancy test and found out that we were expecting Ezra on Christmas Eve last year.  Randall and Cassidy were both waiting outside the bathroom door when I came out with the test.  We didn't trust the results because the "plus sign" was light, so we bought two digital tests.  We took one on Christmas morning that said very clearly "pregnant" and then one three days later.  My greatest present last year was finding out I was going to be a mother.  It's something I will always associate with Christmas.  And since Randall and I always leave our trees up until the last possible minute because we love them so much, we spent many hours by those trees thinking about how our next Christmas was going to be so different and so wonderful.  We talked about how either Ezra or Molly (since we didn't know then we were having a sweet little boy) would be nearly 4 months old and would enjoy looking at all the lights all over the house.  We talked about what kind of tree we were going to put in the nursery.  We planned what kinds of new traditions we were going to create.

But now that I'm thinking more about it, Christmas last year is associated with incredibly happy memories.  Even though 9 months later we didn't have the fairytale ending that we had anticipated, those days were some of the happiest and most exciting of my life.  As much as I worry about how those trees are going to yearn for what I don't have, the reality is I'm going to yearn no matter what.  And I worry that the lack of trees and decorations will be more of a reminder of our loss than putting the trees up and remembering the exciting and memorable times from last Christmas.  Ezra will be a part of our Christmas celebration.  I don't know how yet, and I'm sure it will be a very emotional holiday, but Ezra will be a part and will retain some sense of normalcy.  We owe that to Ezra.  Because I want him to look down from heaven and I want him to smile when he sees that his Mommy and Daddy are smiling when they remember him.  I don't want him to see us crying all the time because smiles are what he would have seen if he was sitting beside me right now.  I was excited for him to see the trees and the lights and the decorations.  Now he has the most incredible view...and I'm sure he'll be excited when he sees them...especially the deer that I want to get to put beside his garden.

Well, that was a complete 180 I just took from the beginning of this post to the end...

Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little boy. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sweet Gifts from Above

For the most part Randall and I both feel that going back to school last week and getting back into a routine has been a good thing.  At school I feel like there's always something for me to do and little time to let my mind wander.  Everyone has been so respectful of my feelings and what I wanted to share.  This week I've felt more comfortable talking about Ezra and I'm so thankful for those who have lent a listening ear.  I'm more thankful, though, that these people have said "Ezra" when they've been talking about him and not just "your baby" or "the baby."  They probably don't even know that they did it, but just this simple choice of words lets me know how much they care about me because it allows Ezra to be a person, my son...and I need that.  I need to know that they see him the same way I see him.  Oh, how I miss Ezra!

Yesterday was the roughest day I've had since I went back to school and the fact that it was a Tuesday meant that everything I felt was intensified.  My students were extra talkative which meant I felt like I was constantly having to give reminders about expectations and that in itself is exhausting.  Then, when I was putting my kids on the bus, a substitute that hadn't been at school much this year came up to me and said, "how's the baby?"  I felt like someone had slapped me across my face.  At first I didn't answer and I'm sure that she saw the look of horror that came across my face.  I realize that she just didn't know about what had happened, but that didn't make it any easier to hear the question.  I answered her, she replied with "they'll be more" and I quickly moved away.  Luckily at that moment a sweet boy that I taught last year walked by and I smiled at me and I held my hand out to him to walk him to his bus, as I had done most days last year.  When he got on the bus, he gave me a big smile and said, "Thanks, Mrs. Egan!"  He never knew that he was saving me from having a meltdown on the sidewalk in front of a whole group of students...he just thought he got lucky and had an escort to the bus.  I'm so thankful that God had him cross my path at that exact instant....I'm so thankful for that gift.  I like to think that Ezra suggested it because he heard him talk so much last year and knew that I enjoyed walking him to the bus...come to think about it, Ezra escorted him last year as well...  As soon as I got back down to my room, I let myself have a good cry, because I just couldn't hold it back any more.  Just then a colleague walked in my room and we talked for about 45 minutes.  Although it was a talk that was filled with tears, it was nice to talk about Ezra.  I've had a few of those conversations this week and I'm so grateful for all those people.  Sweet conversations and sweet gifts from above.  

I've posted a few things on facebook here lately about all the precious animals that we've seen (and been only a few feet away from) at the cemetery when we've gone to visit with Ezra.  Let me pause here and say, for those of you who might be concerned about all our trips to the cemetery, that we know that Ezra is playing and being loved in a peaceful spot in heaven and we know that his plot in the cemetery is only a resting place for his earthly body.  But since we never had the opportunity to take Ezra out of the hospital and make memories at any "special" spots, his place at the cemetery is really the only tangible spot we have of him.  I talk to him all the time at multiple places, but I just have the need to visit him as well.  That being said, over the past couple of weeks, at the cemetery we've seen three deer, two raccoons, rabbits, groundhogs, and squirrels...and all have been within a few feet of us.  The deer were looking at us from the brush and Randall I were both just rooted to the spot because it was just unbelievable to us that they were that close.  The raccoons were in a tree dangling right over our heads and we watched them until it got dark one night.  And the rabbit...well it ran right in front us, almost over top of where the straw is laying to encourage grass growth on Ezra's plot.  We think that either rabbits or deer are the sneaky ones that ate the daisy's from Ezra's flowers.  All we found were stems that had the flowers snapped off of them!  I bet that God and Ezra have enjoyed watching Randall and I as they sent these animals to us.  I believe with all my heart that they are the reason these animals are flocking towards us...I can't wait to see what they send next.  I just hope whatever it is, it is friendly! 

Thanks for the animals you've sent our way, Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

37 Weeks

We have officially survived our first three days back to school.  When we get home in the afternoons we are physically and emotionally spent.  I do pretty good during the time of the day I spend teaching.  It's the few minutes that I'm by myself in my classroom that I find myself having time to let my mind wander...and of course it only has one place that it wants to go...my sweet Ezra.  I can't believe it's been five weeks since the last time I saw him, held him, touched him.  I still miss him like it was yesterday.

Everyone at school has been amazing.  My first grade team has been so supportive and offered to help in countless ways.  I've tried to do as much for myself as I can just to keep my mind occupied, but they will never know how much I appreciate their offers.  I've got such a sweet class of students and for the most part they are good listeners and enjoy the things we've been doing.  I look forward to building a connection with them like classes from the past.  It was really weird stepping back into teaching on Monday midstream as I felt like a stranger (and was for the most part), but I already feel like I'm starting to build relationships with them, it's just going to take longer than three days.  The best part of the time I've been back is that none of the students (past or present) have asked about Ezra.  Even though I think most of them know what happened (or at least have heard a "kid friendly version") they haven't asked any questions.  I'm so thankful for that because as difficult as it is for me to answer questions from adults about Ezra, I'm just not sure my heart could handle answering a question from a child.  The closest that I came to breaking down came during car rider duty today when one of the boys I was putting into a car said, "have you seen my little brother?" and when I looked in the backseat a lump formed in my throat when I saw a little boy who would have been about the same age as Ezra asleep in his carseat with a soft blue blanket laid over his little legs.  I choked back the tears as I said "have a good afternoon," and tried to regroup as quickly as I could since the next student was coming out the door.  It made my heart ache and it took me a good 30 minutes after I got back down to my room to be able to concentrate on anything.  One of the books I'm reading right now describes a moment like this as a scab being torn off your healing heart and I think that's a very accurate description...it hurts horribly for a few minutes, but then you have to be careful with it for a time after that because any wandering thought could make it start bleeding and aching again.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my time with Ezra, when he was in my belly and we were as close as a mother and son could be.  We had so many good times together in those short 37 weeks.  We got to be the cause of so much joy together as we revealed that a baby was on the way in December/January.  We made people wait impatiently by their facebook news feeds as we revealed that this baby was a boy in April.  We watched movies together, relaxed on the couch, and took lots of refreshing naps.  We went shopping, ate lots of frozen yogurt, and wrote out lesson plans.  We sang songs, read books, and researched on the internet.  Ezra made his daddy smile and his eyes widen as his hand or foot caused my belly to jump for the first time.  We listened to music from my ipod and Ezra kicked or punched to the beat...well maybe not to the beat, but he liked music.  I treasure every minute that we had together.  It makes me sad to think about all the mothers who complain about how miserable they are during the pregnancy.  Randall will tell you that I told him on numerous occasions how much I enjoyed carrying Ezra in my stomach.  Looking back I believe now that I was blessed with such an easy pregnancy all the way up to the end because God wanted me to be able to look back to that time and smile with good memories.  Those 37 weeks were some of the happiest of my life and even though they have been followed by the most excruciatingly painful, I still treasure the time that I had with my Ezra.  Now, don't get me wrong, I would give ANYTHING to change the outcome of August 9, but that sweet baby made me the happiest mom in the world for his very short time on earth.

I love you, sweet little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Trip

I can't believe it's already the beginning of September and it's been 4 weeks since Ezra Gryffin was born.  Another Tuesday has passed.  Another day of finding myself staring off into the distance, thinking about how I was holding my baby 4 weeks ago, and thinking about what I wish I was doing tonight with my month old son.  Another night of getting ready for bed without a baby to hold in my arms and kiss goodnight.  Another night with no lullaby songs or bedtime stories.  It seems that the sadness seems to hit me hardest at night.  Maybe it's where I'm tired from the day or maybe it's just that the evening hours bring on more time to think.  And then it seems that this all gives my heart permission to ache even stronger for the little boy who is not here with me.

We've been out of town this week with Mom and Dad in National Harbor, Maryland, which is is suburb of Washington DC.  Chuck, our pastor, and my doctors encouraged us to take a little trip before going back to work to regroup.  At first we thought about the beach, but I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing all the little kids that would be surely be on the sand and in the water each day...especially since Randall and I had already been making plans for Ezra's first beach trip and all the things we would do there with him.  We decided on National Harbor because we thought we wouldn't have to look at lots of babies and feel the scabs on our hearts be torn open again....apparently we should have gone some place else if that's what we were trying to avoid.  This area has really built up since the last time we were here and it is filled with families...lots of kids....and tons of babies.  It's been so hard to see all of these happy families, but I think it's been therapeutic for us to just be immersed because back home we were trying to avoid any situation that would involve babies.  We've watched so much Food Network that we should be gourmet chefs by now...because Food Network doesn't have sad shows and very few children.  (On a humorous note...we've apparently only been watching TV for the noise and not been really comprehending what we were watching because 3 times now we've watched the same episode of Rachael Ray and not realized it until she was putting the food on the plate!)  We had only been out to eat one time before we left on our trip so that we wouldn't have to see people.  It was just easier to be out and about up here because we didn't know anyone, no one could ask questions, and we didn't have to go through the heartbreak of telling the story to people who didn't know about Ezra's birth and death.

We did a little bit of sightseeing while we were in DC, but a lot of our time was spent dodging raindrops...or downpours would be more like it.  We went on a evening tour of the monuments one night and they were so beautiful - we had never seen them at night and it was such a different view of them.  We went to a couple of Smithsonian museums during the days.  Overall it was a nice trip and we enjoyed spending time with Mom and Dad.  But there were many moments throughout the days we were gone where I couldn't help but think of all the trips in the future.  Trips I had pictured in my mind for 9 months.  Now the actual photographs will be terribly different.  And what I'm about to say is going to sound crazy, but I still can't picture the future without him in it.  For 9 months I pictured our future together as a family of 3 and it hurts so bad each time I realize that our family is back to just 2.  I think that for a long time each time I see a picture of me and Randall I will either visualize Ezra with us or feel a pain through my heart of how he's missing....probably not just for a "long time"...probably for the rest of my life.


I think the thing I've been struggling with this week has been the finality of Ezra truly being gone.  I told Randall the other day that since we never had the opportunity to bring Ezra home I still get this odd feeling every now and then that I've never given birth and that we still need to make preparations for him.  So much of my time before he was born was filled with getting things ready for his nursery, writing thank you notes, and learning how to care for a newborn.  It seems that every time I sat down I was trying to find something that I could work on for him.  Now I sit down and I forget for a moment and I find myself wondering what I need to be working on.  And it all comes crashing back down on me.  There's nothing more I can work on for him.  My Ezra is never going to be down the hall from me.  My mind realizes that, but my heart still has difficult with comprehending it.

I miss him so much.  I love you, my Ezra.