Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little angel.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween Decorations
I do most of my deep thinking in the shower every morning. At school when I start a sentence with "I had a great idea" Carla always says, "you've been thinking in the shower again..." So, my thought for the morning was: "Ezra needs to see some Halloween decorations." We decided not to decorate the house as it was just too painful to get out as we had already planned all the different Halloween poses we were going to have in pictures this year. I had to walk quickly past the aisles of baby costumes in stores. And then there's his bib that said "First Halloween" that is still packed away in a drawer in his nursery. Too much anticipation turned to misery.
Anyway, back to the original purpose for this post: Ezra's decorations. Since the kids in my classroom were helping me carve a pumpkin at school today, I thought that it would be a sweet thing to take the finished product to the cemetery for Ezra. We bought battery powered candles and put in the pumpkin and then Randall and I took it over there tonight. I hope he and his friends enjoy watching it glow tonight. I guess there's no need for costumes in heaven....because everyone gets to wear the angel wings. :)
Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little angel.
Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little angel.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Playing Catch Up
I haven't been posting as much as I was previously. I've sat down at my computer multiple times over the past few weeks, but the words just wouldn't come. Maybe it's because I've been able to have longer conversations about Ezra with people in person. Maybe it's because I've been throwing myself into a million crafts to keep my mind occupied. Maybe it's because sitting down and typing out my feelings makes me emotional. Whatever the reasons, I wanted to get caught up.
I went back to church two Sundays ago. It was hard, but everyone was so wonderful. Lots of hugs and people saying they were glad to see me. Few people asking how I was doing. SO thankful for that. Because even though I can make it through a school day or a church service without crying, the scab on my heart can still break open at the drop of a hat. Like yesterday at Walmart when the portrait studio lady asked if we had a child we could bring in for a free picture. Or when the Bronner's ornament catalog comes in the mail. Or when I hear a song on the radio. Or when "Casper" is coming on TV.
I've also been singing in the praise team and chancel choir. But I'm not going to sing in the Christmas cantata. I tried it the first Wednesday I went back, but I just had to stop singing because of the huge lump that formed in my throat. It's the first year in as far back as I can remember that I haven't sang in a cantata, but I'm just not strong enough yet.
I'm doing a lot of activities in my classroom that I've never done before...mainly because I don't want to have a minute of downtime at school because downtime leads to wandering thoughts. I've created so many new things that my folders are busting at the seams. Then at home....every room of our house is filled with spools of ribbon and yarn for wreaths, ornament parts, and every other craft product I can find. My hands NEED to be doing something when I'm at home. The wreaths I'm making have occupied my mind for hours in the past few weeks. Oh, yeah, and I've actually had all my papers graded by Friday night this year. I'm definitely not giving my mind time to take a stroll...good or bad...but necessary for me right now.
Ezra's marker came in this week as well. It was bittersweet to see it. It's beautiful. But seeing his name there made both me and Randall cry. I had so many plans for where I would see that name. Birth announcements. Baby dedication. Kindergarten registration. Birthday invitations. High School Diploma. I had NO plans to see it on a granite marker in the cemetery.
I really don't know what else to say except....
I. Miss. Ezra. Mommy loves you, baby.
I went back to church two Sundays ago. It was hard, but everyone was so wonderful. Lots of hugs and people saying they were glad to see me. Few people asking how I was doing. SO thankful for that. Because even though I can make it through a school day or a church service without crying, the scab on my heart can still break open at the drop of a hat. Like yesterday at Walmart when the portrait studio lady asked if we had a child we could bring in for a free picture. Or when the Bronner's ornament catalog comes in the mail. Or when I hear a song on the radio. Or when "Casper" is coming on TV.
I've also been singing in the praise team and chancel choir. But I'm not going to sing in the Christmas cantata. I tried it the first Wednesday I went back, but I just had to stop singing because of the huge lump that formed in my throat. It's the first year in as far back as I can remember that I haven't sang in a cantata, but I'm just not strong enough yet.
I'm doing a lot of activities in my classroom that I've never done before...mainly because I don't want to have a minute of downtime at school because downtime leads to wandering thoughts. I've created so many new things that my folders are busting at the seams. Then at home....every room of our house is filled with spools of ribbon and yarn for wreaths, ornament parts, and every other craft product I can find. My hands NEED to be doing something when I'm at home. The wreaths I'm making have occupied my mind for hours in the past few weeks. Oh, yeah, and I've actually had all my papers graded by Friday night this year. I'm definitely not giving my mind time to take a stroll...good or bad...but necessary for me right now.
Ezra's marker came in this week as well. It was bittersweet to see it. It's beautiful. But seeing his name there made both me and Randall cry. I had so many plans for where I would see that name. Birth announcements. Baby dedication. Kindergarten registration. Birthday invitations. High School Diploma. I had NO plans to see it on a granite marker in the cemetery. I really don't know what else to say except....
I. Miss. Ezra. Mommy loves you, baby.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Help Pour Out the Rain
It's been 2 months...hard to believe that it's been that long since my little Ezra was born already sleeping in the arms of Jesus. But then at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago. I still miss him like it happened yesterday. I still think about him all the time. I still wonder what his cries and coos would sound like, what he would think about a bath, if he would like to brush his hand across Cassidy's back. So many questions...so few answers.
Since I don't have the answers I wish I did, I find myself making things up in my mind. This morning I walked by a window and felt the sun streaming in and I thought about Ezra. And I thought of the country song about the little girl who asked his dad if she could help pour out the rain when she got to heaven. My mind started to wander and I started daydreaming about all the little babies and children in heaven seated at the feet of Jesus. He tells them to think about what they want to do that day to make their mommy or daddy down on earth smile. He then says, "Raise your hand [yes, I am a first grade teacher and in heaven, I'm sure that the kids don't shout out answers, they raise their hands politely] if you think your Mommy or Daddy would like to see sunshine." A whole bunch of little hands raise up into the air. Jesus says, "that's the majority for today, so we're going to blow all the clouds away, except for the pretty white fluffy one." The next day, there are more hands for a rainbow, so they get out their paint sets and make a beautiful one. The next day, they get out their buckets and pour out the rain showers. And then there's that day when it's beautiful and sunny all around, and just a few raindrops fall on my head....that's the water gun and Ezra is smiling and laughing at me wondering if it was raindrops or if I got under a bird at the wrong time.
Now I know there is nothing in the Bible to support my daydreams, but they have brought me some comfort today. And you know what, the meteorologist is NOT always correct. Maybe those days when he/she predicts sun and it rains are the days when the babies vote for the rain. Maybe when he/she says there's a 90% chance of rain and instead the sun shines bright, those babies knew their mommies or daddies needed some sunshine. Even if there is nothing to back my thoughts, it brings me comfort and lets me feel my Ezra near me.
Sunshine, raindrops, spiders, rabbits, cool breezes, the tree that changed from green to red before all the others in the cemetery...I see and feel Ezra in all of those things. And who is to say that Jesus isn't letting him have a hand in making those things special to me?
When we visited the cemetery tonight we noticed that the stone of the baby girl buried beside Ezra had been cleaned off and the date was clearly visible: October 9, 2010. She has been in heaven for a year today. My hope and prayer today is that her parents saw the red tree and felt the cool breeze like we did today and thought of their little one. Who knows...maybe she and Ezra were blowing that cool breeze together as we visited today.
Enough for today...
I love you, sweet Ezra. Mommy misses you and loves you so much.
Since I don't have the answers I wish I did, I find myself making things up in my mind. This morning I walked by a window and felt the sun streaming in and I thought about Ezra. And I thought of the country song about the little girl who asked his dad if she could help pour out the rain when she got to heaven. My mind started to wander and I started daydreaming about all the little babies and children in heaven seated at the feet of Jesus. He tells them to think about what they want to do that day to make their mommy or daddy down on earth smile. He then says, "Raise your hand [yes, I am a first grade teacher and in heaven, I'm sure that the kids don't shout out answers, they raise their hands politely] if you think your Mommy or Daddy would like to see sunshine." A whole bunch of little hands raise up into the air. Jesus says, "that's the majority for today, so we're going to blow all the clouds away, except for the pretty white fluffy one." The next day, there are more hands for a rainbow, so they get out their paint sets and make a beautiful one. The next day, they get out their buckets and pour out the rain showers. And then there's that day when it's beautiful and sunny all around, and just a few raindrops fall on my head....that's the water gun and Ezra is smiling and laughing at me wondering if it was raindrops or if I got under a bird at the wrong time.
Now I know there is nothing in the Bible to support my daydreams, but they have brought me some comfort today. And you know what, the meteorologist is NOT always correct. Maybe those days when he/she predicts sun and it rains are the days when the babies vote for the rain. Maybe when he/she says there's a 90% chance of rain and instead the sun shines bright, those babies knew their mommies or daddies needed some sunshine. Even if there is nothing to back my thoughts, it brings me comfort and lets me feel my Ezra near me.
Sunshine, raindrops, spiders, rabbits, cool breezes, the tree that changed from green to red before all the others in the cemetery...I see and feel Ezra in all of those things. And who is to say that Jesus isn't letting him have a hand in making those things special to me?
When we visited the cemetery tonight we noticed that the stone of the baby girl buried beside Ezra had been cleaned off and the date was clearly visible: October 9, 2010. She has been in heaven for a year today. My hope and prayer today is that her parents saw the red tree and felt the cool breeze like we did today and thought of their little one. Who knows...maybe she and Ezra were blowing that cool breeze together as we visited today.
Enough for today...
I love you, sweet Ezra. Mommy misses you and loves you so much.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Keep Talking, Ezra...
Looking on the internet tonight I found a sweet website/blog (http://www.justacloudaway.com) that had the following writing on it (I borrowed it). It made me cry, but it made me smile as well. The part that I put in bold really made me smile and I know that it was not a coincidence that I found this site. Anyone who knows Randall and I know that we love snow. I can't wait for the first snowflakes this year now so that I can feel my sweet Ezra's kisses.
I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would. I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.
I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.
I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.
He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both. If he could tell you..I know he would.
12-16-03 Melanie Johnson Isayev
Mommy loves you, Ezra. Keep talking to me.
If He Could Tell You...
I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would. I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.
I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.
I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.
He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both. If he could tell you..I know he would.
12-16-03 Melanie Johnson Isayev
Mommy loves you, Ezra. Keep talking to me.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
A New Month....
The following lyrics are from "Stronger" by Mandisa...
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
I heard this song today on the radio...the words seemed to speak just to me...something I needed for sure this weekend. Although I don't think the pain from losing my Ezra will ever go away, it will eventually become more bearable and I will have grown from the experience. I just have to keep telling myself that.
We went to O'Charleys today and this young couple came in carrying a sleeping baby in a carrier. I said a silent prayer that they would be seated across the restaurant from us...but they ended up being right beside us. At first they put him in one of the baby seat holders and he was literally a foot away from our table. But then they moved him to the seat beside the mom. I honestly don't think I could have eaten a bite if he had been that close. He was about the size that I think Ezra would have been now.
I miss him so much.
Mommy loves you, sweet Ezra.
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
I heard this song today on the radio...the words seemed to speak just to me...something I needed for sure this weekend. Although I don't think the pain from losing my Ezra will ever go away, it will eventually become more bearable and I will have grown from the experience. I just have to keep telling myself that.
We went to O'Charleys today and this young couple came in carrying a sleeping baby in a carrier. I said a silent prayer that they would be seated across the restaurant from us...but they ended up being right beside us. At first they put him in one of the baby seat holders and he was literally a foot away from our table. But then they moved him to the seat beside the mom. I honestly don't think I could have eaten a bite if he had been that close. He was about the size that I think Ezra would have been now.
I miss him so much.
Mommy loves you, sweet Ezra.
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